


if these drugs don't kill me, baby, you just might

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorders, Fluff, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, honestly the other 3 don't really show up, they're mostly only mentioned, tread lightly ya'll
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2014-07-13
Packaged: 2018-02-08 15:49:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1947015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Harry.” Niall said again even though he meant to say ‘no, i’m sorry’ and Harry hung up the phone.<br/> <br/>--<br/>In which university student Niall does a lot of drugs, lands himself in the hospital and meets a certain seventeen year old boy named Harry Styles who has tried to kill himself on multiple occasions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if these drugs don't kill me, baby, you just might

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for bothering to read this. don't forget to check out the trigger warnings, loves. please keep yourselves safe.

Everything felt murky and it wasn’t that nice type of murky where shit just blended together till colors became sound and Niall just felt so good and everything felt so unreal, it was the time of murky that left a coppery taste in his mouth and one side of his head throbbing with signs of a migraine. And it smelled like disinfectant and there were lots and lots of beeping noises which was not good for Niall’s up and coming migraine. Shit, he was at the fucking hospital.

Niall opened his eyes and was met with the too bright hospital lights glaring down at him.

“Oh fuck.” He groaned, colors morphing in front of his eyes from the amount of pain. He needed to get out of here like now.

“Oh you’re awake!” A nurse whose voice was too cheery and who seemed to come out of nowhere said. She smiled at him, “You’ve been out for a while. You’re a strong one though.”

“What happened?” Niall said then coughed because frog much? She laughed waving away his discomfort at hearing the shape his voice was in; he needed some water anything to get him sounding like a normal person again.

“You had a lot of drugs in your system, your roommate found you passed out and we got you here. You’re good now though.”

“I overdosed?” Niall couldn’t believe it, he wasn’t the overdosing type. He knew fuck he knew Zayn would tell his mom because they were like best friends or something and his mom would cry and demand for him to come home and get help. Niall didn’t need help. He wasn’t an addict or whatever; he just liked having a good fucking time. Since when was that a crime? His mom wouldn’t listen though, could see her large blue eyes filled with tears from miles and miles away. He was not going back.

He looked back up at the nurse and realized she had been speaking and Niall had zoned out.

“When can I get out of here?” He asked her, interrupting whatever the hell she was talking about. If his mother was there she would’ve smacked him to next Tuesday for being so rude.

“Well we just have to run some few tests make sure nothing is uh wrong and you’ll probably be out of here by tomorrow.”

“Oh thank fuck.” He wheezed letting his head rest back on the pillow.

“I’ll go get you some more water if that’s alright?”

“Yeah thanks.” He said and then she was prancing out the makeshift room with only a sheet separating him from everything happening in the hospital. He turned his head and almost screamed when he saw he had someone in the room with him well a patient. It was a boy, with thick curls covering half of his face and he was asleep, skin looking way too pale and bones looking way too prominent. Niall studied him for a minute then turned away, sure the boy was asleep but he didn’t want to seem like a creep.

\--

Zayn and Liam came by that afternoon looking really pissed off. Well Zayn looked really pissed off and Liam looked like he was going to cry which was a standard expression for Zayn and Liam.

“Are you even fucking sorry?” Zayn asked continuing his rant that had been going on for a good fifteen minutes. He was pacing furiously not even caring about the other patient in the room or anybody else in the building really.

“I really am.” Niall said still feeding him the same line. And he was sorry, sorry for making Zayn upset ‘because Niall didn’t like doing that but he wasn’t sorry for doing drugs. It wasn’t like he was purposefully seeking out an overdose that night, there was no parties going on and he was fucking bored for craps sake and he just didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts. So it started off with a bit of weed which always got him in the mood for things like cocaine and then some ecstasy and he didn’t remember anything after that. And now he’s here. The sheets are itchy and everything is too loud trying not to be. Somebody has probably died in the very bed he is laying on and he just wants to leave.

He fucking hates hospitals so much.

“And you’re not even listening to me! God, doesn’t it matter to you that I found you like that, Niall? I had to call your mom… I couldn’t even find your pulse.” Zayn was crying now, full blown tears and everything and trying to cover his face.

“Zayn, Zayn it’s okay. Niall, we’ll talk later yeah?” Liam looked apologetic and Niall just shrugged picking at invisible dust on his ugly hospital gown, if Zayn ever wanted to see him again that was. And then Liam was leading Zayn out of Niall’s room by his hands and Zayn was babbling the whole way and okay Niall felt like shit. He wasn’t a good person but god it wasn’t like he was trying to fucking do this on purpose. Zayn didn’t get that and Niall didn’t know what to do to make him get that.

“You have nice friends.” Niall almost had a heart attack at the sudden words. He turned his head slowly and came face to face with his hospital roommate. The kid was getting some color back in his cheeks and he had some haunting green eyes, they looked really dead like the kid hadn’t smiled ever in his life. His voice was like that too, sort of cold and sort of lifeless. Niall’s eyes flicked to the scars on this kid’s wrist then back to his face but the kid had seen him see and now it was awkward. Niall didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think I’m sorry would suffice.

“It’s okay. Everybody knows I’m a freak. I’m Harry by the way.” The boy, Harry, said sitting up a little straighter. His collarbones were jutting out of his skin and it looked really painful.

“Niall.”

“That’s a nice name.”

“Thanks. And uh you saw that thing with Zayn and Liam?”

“Who’re they?”

“My friends.”

“Oh yeah! Yeah I saw but you know I didn’t want you to think I was snooping ‘cause I wasn’t…”

“Ha, it’s okay. I mean you’re literally right next to us. You would’ve heard eventually.” Harry nodded and Niall noted for a kid with an endless amount of scars and tired, dead eyes he looked so starved for someone to talk to. He was staring at Niall with this small smile on his face, which made him look ten times better than when he was frowning. Harry was good looking in an unassuming type of way like he didn’t know he was and he desperately needed a haircut but the shaggy unkempt look made him look nice.

“Uhm so where are your friends?” Niall asked trying to find something anything to say. Harry’s smile diminished and he snorted,

“I don’t have any. It’s okay though I get why people don’t want to be friends with me.”

“Why?” Niall asked and Harry sighed then looked down at the bed sheets,

“Because I’m not very cool or good looking and I really like music but not the ‘cool’ music whatever that means and I’m kind of fat. And I’m sad like all the time.” His voice had gradually gotten softer until it was barely there at all. Niall stared, heart a little broken.

“I think you’re cool.” Niall said even though he’d met this boy five minutes ago but Niall oh Niall knew what a fuck up was, he’d been one his whole life but he could see from the way Harry talked about himself as if he didn’t mean a thing he could see that Harry thought he was a fuck up too. And that wasn’t right.

“But you don’t even know me.”

“I know a cool person once I see one.” Niall said and Harry smiled covering his mouth with his large hands. Niall didn’t know why but he didn’t ask.

“So why are you here Niall?” Harry asked and Niall sighed didn’t want to tell the story but didn’t want to make Harry feel like he was bothering him or anything.

“Accidental overdose. Shit happens.”

“Oh. I thought you uh were like me.”

“Like you?”

“You know.” Harry said moving his hands as if to elaborate. Niall’s eye latched onto his scars and he discreetly ran a hand over his clean skin. Niall wondered how someone could get so sad.

“Know what?” Niall finally asked and Harry sighed,

“Suicidal.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah like your friend was all ‘i couldn’t find your pulse’ and I just… thought.” Harry looked miserable and Niall realized Harry hadn’t talked to him because he looked interesting or because he was lonely he talked to Niall because he thought Niall could relate and Niall didn’t know what was sadder honestly. Here was this boy who looked so tiny Niall was pretty fucking sure he’d done it on purpose so he didn’t take up space and who didn’t want to be around and Niall was sitting around playing with death for the sake of it. Niall felt like shit.

“It’s okay, Harry.”

“You were nice to me.” Harry said voice sounding a bit thick like he wanted to cry.

“What do you mean?”

“Nobody but my mom, my stepfather, and my sister have ever been nice to me. I don’t understand.”

“Why would I be mean to you, Harry?”

“Cause I’m… severely suicidal and horrible at making friends and I was being weird.”

“You weren’t being weird. Harry, it’s okay dude seriously. I don’t hate you or whatever and I’m not going to be mean to you.”

Harry swallowed and he stared at Niall’s eyes looking way too big for his face and then he finally said in the softest voice Niall had ever heard, “swear?” And without missing a bit Niall gave him a smile, not a thin paper mache one but a real one and he said,

“Swear.” And that was that.

\--

Niall’s mother flew all the way from Ireland to the heart of London just to yell at him. Maura Gallagher was a force to be reckoned with and Niall didn’t like reckoning with people. His mother stared at him for a good five minutes before she finally spoke, she smelled a little of cigarettes and Niall knew she still had that bad habit the one that Niall had too of smoking cigarettes when they were stressed. Niall wasn’t exactly proud of it but it gave him something to do.

“What the fucking hell were you thinking, Niall James Horan?”

“I wasn’t, ma.”

“Damn right, kid. Zayn calls me in hysterics you know that right? Tells me that you’re in the hospital and it’s because of drugs. Are you out of your fucking mind?” She was pacing the room in the same fashion Zayn was the other day almost burning a hole through the floor.

“Ma, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do it.”

“Niall, why are you making your fa

ther’s mistakes?” And that one line hit Niall so hard he couldn’t breathe for a second. Niall was standing in the middle of a railroad and his mother’s words were a bullet train barreling straight through him, unforgiving and scarring.

“Take that back, ma.”

“Niall, listen to me-,”

“No, ma I don’t wanna hear it. I fucked up sure okay Zayn already read me the riot act but you had no right in comparing me to him. I am nothing like him.” But even as he said it the excuse sounded flimsy. He was exactly like his father.

“Niall, I didn’t mean to hurt you but god… do you know how many times I was in the hospital because of your father? And now you, my son, my beautiful beautiful son is going to go waste away like your life didn’t matter in the first place. I can’t look at you right now Niall James, I can’t.”

“Ma.”

“Don’t be your father. I mean it.” And then she was pressing her lips to his forehead, staining him with red then she was walking out heels click clacking away. Niall let out a choked sob then wiped his eyes.

“Harry, wake up. I know you’re awake.” Niall hissed turning to his ‘sleeping’ roommate and watched as Harry rolled until he was turned on his side to face Niall. He was chewing on his thumbnail looking a bit nervous.

“You probably didn’t want me to hear that. I should’ve left the room.”

“It’s okay, don’t be silly.” Niall said waving his hand in a ‘forget about it’ motion but he knew Harry was going to ask questions. They spent all of yesterday doing that, Harry would ask Niall some silly question and Niall would answer then ask his own silly question. It went like that till Niall learned that Harry’s idol was Chris Martin, he liked this indie band called The 1975, he was in his last year of high school, and he loved bananas and cubed fruit. Niall had gone to sleep staring out the window behind Harry’s head thinking about how Harry was so much and he should show people how much he was. But Niall wasn’t superman and he could barely save himself let alone somebody as hypnotic as Harry.

“If it helps I have a pretty shit dad too.”

Niall stifled a laugh and shrugged, “Not really. You shouldn’t have a shit anything.”

Harry smiled at him then said, “No, it’s okay. I don’t see him anymore; he lives in South America now. I think it’s because he’s pretty sure me and my sister can’t find him in South America. He has like a wife and four cute kids with her. It sucks that they have a shit dad too.”

Niall loved how Harry talked, slow and steady like he wasn’t sure but it was okay he’d figure out eventually. Niall wondered how somebody could do this to someone like Harry. Niall wondered who put their breath right at the place Harry’s fire was one day and without thinking about it… blew. Because Niall wanted to fucking murder them.

“Do you wanna hear a secret, Harry?” Niall asked and Harry blinked slowly then nodded. Niall wouldn’t admit it but the way Harry’s eyelashes fanned his cheeks made Niall’s breath catch in his throat. But this wasn’t a rom-com and things like that didn’t happen. Both Harry and Niall were both pretty damaged in an unfixable type of way and Niall wasn’t going to try and fit with Harry because they’d both get caught, find themselves bleeding out in a bathroom floor wondering where it went wrong. Niall wasn’t going to become a depressing movie. He wasn’t in love with Harry and he wasn’t going to give himself the chance to be. He was going to leave that afternoon and he’d forget about it.

“I hate hospitals but uh… you made me hate them a little less.” Niall finally said after his thoughts had ran away from him again. Harry smiled, sweet and pretty really really pretty then he said,

“Oh god.”

And Niall said, “What? Is something wrong?”

“Yeah. It hurts.”

“What hurts?”

“The fact that I’ll never see you again.”

Niall blinked. Harry blinked. The time changed from 7:34 to 7:35 and Niall knew he was going to see Harry again after his hospital stay.

\--

“Here’s my number if you want to call me, you can find me on Twitter at this name but uh don’t go through my pictures I was a little rowdy, my Instagram, and like I have a Tumblr but it’s mostly just shit about football and uh… drugs.” Niall said handing Harry the list he’d made when Harry had dozed off. At around nine the doctor that had been checking up on him told him he was all clear to go and to stay out of trouble all while handing him a Narcotics Anonymous pamphlet. Niall threw that shit away as soon as it was handed to him.

“Okay.” Harry said looking a bit overwhelmed. He looked up at Niall, eyes too green and too heartbreaking that Niall had to look away. “I’m really happy we met. And I’m happy you weren’t mean to me.”

“I don’t think I could if I tried, kid. Text me sometime yeah?”

“Yeah.” Harry said and then Niall actually hugged him and he could sense Harry was a little tense in the beginning, body kind of frigid and awkward but then he was dropping the paper on his lap and wrapping his arms around Niall’s shoulders. And Niall could’ve fucking swore if Harry had held him any longer he would’ve let Harry swallow him whole and make a fucking home out of every single cell in his body.

Niall was royally fucked.

\--

It was about a week after the whole hospital thing, Niall hadn’t done any drugs but had been doing  lot of stress smoking lately from withdrawal, and he hadn’t received one text from Harry till he was sitting in the middle of his calc class and his phone chimed, loudly. Pairs of eyes turned to him and he apologized for disrupting, the teacher rolled her eyes and went on teaching. Niall pulled his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and looked down at the text.

**Hi, it’s uhm Harry from the hospital. This is Niall right? x.**

Niall swallowed hands shaking a little, smiling at the way Harry had punctuation in all the right places and how he spelled everything correctly. So fucking adorable.

**Yup, teh one n’ only. Whats been up with ya, kid? xx.**

Not even ten seconds later Niall got a text back.

**Went back to school today.**

**Oh? How was it? You good?**

**I’m sitting in the bathroom during lunch. I’m pathetic.**

**Hey naw you’re not. Kids are fecking mean. But don’t eat in the bathroom, dats gross.**

**Where else can I go? And yeah, Niall I really really am. I’m like so weird and I don’t know how to be a normal happy person, it’s really hard.**

**Hey, what happens if I pick you up?**

**Pick me up from what?**

**School.**

**Why?**

**Cuz you hate it.**

**Oh my goodness, you don’t have to. You’re so nice, Niall but I couldn’t ask you to do that.**

**I’m offering. Don’t leave me hanging here kid.**

**Really? You’d really pick me up?**

**Sure. Gimme the address.**

\--

Niall left right in the middle of the lecture and the professor actually seemed sort of relieved probably because Niall hadn’t been paying attention at all. Niall slipped into his car knowing he should probably start taking school more seriously but he had more serious issues to deal with. Like a severely depressed beautiful boy sitting in a disgusting bathroom stall for Christ sakes. What kind of movie had Niall been transported in.

Lunsford Day School may have been a day school but it had shitty security. The gate was wide open and Niall could see Harry sitting on a side walk waiting for him and chewing his thumbnail like Niall had seen him do so many times under hospital lights. Harry stood up when he saw Niall and Niall could’ve laughed at the preppy school uniform Harry was wearing. A plaid tie, a crisp white button up, black slacks, and black oxfords. He looked like a proper spoiled rich kid but Niall knew Harry.

“Get in, loser we’re going shopping!” Niall shouted making Harry’s face light up into a smile bright enough to rival the sun. Harry slid in and looked at Niall,

“Hi! You look different.”

“Different?”

“Good different though. In your element.”

Niall laughed and then said, “You’re weird, Harry Styles. But you’re one of the best fucking people I’ve ever met.”

And Harry laughed properly laughed as Niall high tailed it out of the school. Niall felt like he was a fugitive and Harry was his trusty sidekick/boyfriend and they were going to run away pull a Thelma and Louise or Bonnie and Clyde on everyone. He was a little dramatic.

“Are we really going shopping?”

Niall snorted, “No, I can’t go shopping without Louis.”

“Who’s Louis?”

“This friend I have who dresses like the world is a runway. If I even look mildly presentable it’s because of Louis.”

Harry smiled and looked like he was going to say anything but didn’t so Niall just continued. “I’m gonna take you out on a proper lunch. No eating in bathrooms again, kay?”

“Kay. Thanks for picking me up. Mom’s probably gonna freak but it’s okay.”

“Hey, right now don’t think about that. We’re going to eat and I’m gonna tell you shitty jokes.”

“I’ll laugh anyway.” Harry said.

“Swear?” Niall asked.

“Swear.” Harry confirmed.

\--

“Subway?” Harry asked but he didn’t look opposed just shocked and Niall laughed a little.

“I work here so I get discounts on things. You cool?”

“Yeah.”

Niall suddenly had a flashback to Harry’s collarbones and his skinny skinny body. Niall swallowed and hoped to fucking god that Harry wasn’t going to throw up what he was eventually going to eat. The thought made Niall sick. Harry ordered a sandwich and apple juice and Niall ordered the same and then they found themselves seats. Niall watched as Harry tucked his legs under him like he was sitting on a couch and took a small bite out of his sandwich. Then he took a sip of his apple juice.

“Are you okay?” Harry suddenly asked him and Niall blinked looking up.

“Yeah. I uh… just got distracted.”

“Do you smoke?” Harry suddenly blurted and Niall blinked then nodded.

“That a problem?”

“No… I just I didn’t know. But I can smell it on you, you smell like mints, cigarettes, and the Earth. It’s a nice combo.” Harry said taking another sip of his apple juice. Niall took a huge bite of his sandwich and watched in concealed horror as Harry opened the sandwich and started taking the meat out of it.

“What are you doing?” Niall asked.

“I’m on an all bread and salad diet.”

“What… why?”

“Cuz I’m huge. You should see me under my clothes.” Harry said and then blushed and covered his face. “I mean…”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. But you’re not… huge I mean. You’re actually kind of skinny.”

Harry laughed and it didn’t sound good this time like Niall liked it, it sounded sharp and a bit distorted like Harry had forced it out of himself. “You don’t have to be nice.”

“Harry.”

“Hey,” Harry said interrupting him and pouting, “I was promised shitty jokes.”

So they didn’t talk about Harry’s diet all afternoon.

\--

**Thanks for today, Niall really. It got me through the day.**

**I’ll do it again tomorrow.**

**Nooo, hahah. I know you have class, doofus.**

**I liked hanging with you.**

**I did too. You’re like the best person I’ve ever met.**

**Aw don’t say that, kid. I kind of suck.**

**You’re my knight in shining armor, Niall Horan.**

**Hey, kid?**

**Hm?**

**Wanna do me a favor?**

**Can you get off your diet?**

**…**

**Harry?**

**Night, Niall. I’m tired.**

**Night, Harry.**

\--

Niall was at a party, his friend Gracie had invited him so of course he had gone and ignored Zayn’s looks as he had gotten ready. He wasn’t going to do anything fucking stupid. The party was packed with trashed college kids and Niall made his way over to the kitchen where the keg was. He’d always been good at handling alcohol, liked it but not as much as he liked drugs.

He found his friend, Sean and they did a couple shots together. A couple of dudes started playing beer pong and Niall beer pong champion joined in. It was a good time till the game was done and he ran into Aaron, the kid who used to give him the really good shit that got him fucked up but not too fucked up.

“Hey, Nialler! What’s up?” Aaron asked rolling on the balls of his feet.

“Uh I’m good, Aaron. Partying, ya know.”

“Don’t I know it. Hey, I got some stuff that’s really fucking good wanna try? You can even have this for free.” Aaron was nice well as nice as a dude could be when selling other people drugs.

“Uh…” Niall’s synapses weren’t really working so when Aaron laughed and shoved a baggie of cocaine in his hands then patted his back Niall didn’t know what to do. So of course because he was Niall he found himself the nearest bathroom and because he hadn’t seen cocaine in what felt like year he found himself snorting it and it felt good. It felt familiar. And that was what he needed: familiarity.

\--

Niall was smoking outside of campus feeling like shit failure when his phone chimed with a text from Harry.

**Good morning!! xx.**

**Hey, what’s up? x.**

**In my room, mom is doing morning cleaning. You don’t sound happy.**

**Shit happens.**

**Can I call you?**

**Knock yourself out.**

“Hi.” Harry said when Niall picked up his phone.

“Hi yourself.” Niall replied.

“How’s your morning? Did you sleep well?”

“I slept fine. I kind of have a headache.”

“Oh those suck, is it like a hangover induced headache?”

“I guess. Went to a party last night.”

“Oh is that an actual thing?”

“Is what an actual thing?”

“Like college parties?”

“Yeah, kid.”

“Do you not want to talk to me?”

“What?”

“I know I’m kind of annoying and shit but I asked and I thought it was okay. But I could… I could go.”

“If you want.”

“Niall…” Harry said in this weird sort of voice like he was begging Niall to beg him to not leave. And Niall didn’t want Harry to leave but he also didn’t want Harry to hear him like this… like every bit the druggie he was. He got stoned last night after almost dying, after making Zayn cry in the hospital and having his mom fly from Ireland. He was his father and it was killing him.

“Harry.” Niall said, blowing out a puff of smoke.

“Niall, I’m gonna go okay? I’m… I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry, Niall.”

“Harry.” Niall said again even though he meant to say ‘no, _i’m_ sorry’ and Harry hung up the phone.

Niall stared at his phone and wondered when the hell this seventeen year old high school kid had snuck into him without even him knowing. He dropped his burned out cigarette and pushed his fingers into his eyes and felt like throwing up. And then he smoked another cigarette and then another until he stopped thinking of the way Harry had said ‘Niall’ until he stopped thinking of Harry in the hospital room and Harry in the subway talking about his ‘diet’ and Harry sitting in his room, realizing the exact moment Niall was not worth it.

\--

“Hello?”

“Harry. I know you know it’s me. You have caller ID.”

“I know.”

“You don’t hate me right, Harry?”

“Thought it was the other way around to be honest.”

“I don’t- fuck- I don’t hate you.”

“Oh? You ignored me for a week.”

“I needed to clear my head.”

“Okay.”

“Harry, can you meet me somewhere?”

“Okay.”

\--

Harry had on a jumper and some skin tight jeans and he looked good but he looked sad at the same time no not sad wrecked. He looked tired and he kept pushing his hair out of his eyes. Niall sat down on a park bench and Harry followed curling his legs under him like he’d done at the subway. Niall said,

“Harry, I’m sorry.” And Harry said,

“Okay.” Niall felt like shit as he watched Harry tug at his sleeves. Harry looked too skinny for this windy town; he could probably blow away at any strong wind. Niall wondered if Harry still thought about dying.

“I snorted some cocaine at the party.” Niall finally said and he could feel Harry’s large Rapunzel eyes on him, biting his thumbnail like he always did.

“Oh.”

“And I uh was trying not to. It’s been six months and Zayn has told me ‘Niall, you’re an addict Niall, you need help’ and like I didn’t believe him right because I thought I had more self-control than that. I wasn’t… I wasn’t my dad. But at the party I had this baggie of cocaine in my hands and I didn’t… I didn’t throw it away like I’m supposed to. I snorted it because I couldn’t resist because it’s the only thing that felt familiar to me.” Niall didn’t know at what point in his story Harry had slid close to him but their shoulders were touching and Niall felt like his tongue was too thick inside of him and everything was way too much, the heat of Harry’s body and the realization that he needed to fucking do something.

“Niall, what happened to your dad?” Harry asked softly and Niall rubbed his temple, he’d never really told anyone about his dad ever. It was that kind of family secret that he, his mother, and Greg kept with them. Their shit to carry but this was Harry and Niall couldn’t hide anything from Harry, not when he looked like Heaven and Hell all put together.

“I was seventeen by the time I’d admitted to myself my dad had a problem. I didn’t want to cause you know that was my old man, he was a good guy. But he uh… he loved drugs way more than he loved any of us. I didn’t understand it when I was younger why mom was always crying and why we didn’t always have enough money even though both my parents worked and we lived in a pretty okay house till we couldn’t live in that house anymore and we had to go live with my grandparents. Dad had run us dry, taking what he wanted of us because the heroine and the cocaine and every fucking drug under the sun was taking all of him. Dad would always go missing for a few days then come back and he’d tell mom that he changed you know that it was different this time but it never was. Mom always came back though because she loved him.

One day though I was at school and my brother who was at college at the time picked me up said something had happened to dad. And like I knew before I was even at the hospital what had happened and I think Greg did too. But he just said dad got in an accident and I don’t know if he was trying to convince me or himself.

Anyways I’d never seen my mom so ruined. And the most messed up thing was we didn’t even have anything to do his funeral with. So they cremated him because it was cheaper and that was it. He became fucking ashes in some vase while he left his family scrambling to pick up what he’d left. I never ever wanted to do that to anybody I loved. I never thought that would be me.”

When Niall finished his story he was staring at his lap shaking. He couldn’t think, didn’t know when the word vomit had started till he couldn’t stop. And then Harry who was all skinny breakable slit wrists wrapped his arm around Niall and Niall couldn’t help it when he began shaking and when he started crying. Fuck, he wasn’t a crier but he couldn’t stop thinking of his dad. Couldn’t stop thinking of those few months after he died when he barely saw his mother’s face and when life didn’t seem to go on. Last few years of high school he’d been that one kid whose dad died.

So that’s why he came to London. Because he couldn’t… fuck he couldn’t do that to himself.

\--

Niall didn’t expect to find Harry and a pretty girl with blonde hair to walk into the Subway he was working at that Monday. He smiled at the way Harry smiled at him when they made eye contact, ignored the way his chest was throbbing with the need to touch Harry to map his skin and his body with his hands, to learn about all the scars and the skin and bones.

Niall could hear Harry and the girl ordering and he didn’t care that he still had a bit of food to make before he was going over to Harry and smiling at him in the girl over the counter, “Hi.”

“Hi yourself.” Harry said and Niall grinned.

“What are you doing here?”

“Gemma was hungry.” Harry said and Niall remembered how oh right Gemma was Harry’s sister.

“Hi, I’m Niall.” Niall said sticking his hand out for Gemma to shake and she grinned and it jarred Niall how similar their smiles looked.

“Oh don’t I know it. You’re all he talks about.”

“Gem, please.”

“Is it a lie?” Gemma asked leveling him with a look and Harry blushed and Niall laughed, thought about how endearing Harry looked while doing that.

“I gotta get back to work but it was nice meeting you, Gemma. Nice seeing you, Harry. Always.”

\--

“Why have you never seen this movie?”

“It looked boring.”

“What the fuck.”

“Was that a bad thing to say?”

“The worst.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re okay, kid. I’m gonna force you to watch this movie though.”

“Alright, don’t kill me if I fall asleep.”

“I’ll kill you and they’ll never find your body.”

“Is The Godfather really that good?”

“It’s a classic. You come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married and you ask me to do murder - for money.”

“Wow that is a really good impression.”

“How would you you’ve never even seen the movie?”

“I feel like it’s a good impression!”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“But you like me anyway.” Harry said.

“But I like you anyway.” Niall confirmed.

“Swear?”

“Swear.”

**\--**

**Going to my first NA meeting. Zayn’s driving me.**

**Wow, Niall that is so so good. Omg, i’m literally so happy right now. How are you feeling?**

**That’s normal.**

**How would you know?**

**I think fear is the most human thing you can experience.**

**Hahah you’re my knight in shining armor, Harry Styles.**

**Swear?**

\--

The thing was Niall didn’t even know the exact moment he fell for Harry. He didn’t know if it was when Harry curled his legs under him in that Subway all childish indignation or if it was when Harry didn’t run off after Niall pushed him away like a proper asshole but he knew that this too skinny too sad boy had slid under his skin so easy and made a proper fucking home out of him. And Niall didn’t mind, no not at all. But the thing was Niall knew they couldn’t be together. Knew that Harry had way too much sadness in him amongst all that beautiful and that Niall had way too much fucking issues for them to even fit.

They were a train wreck waiting to happen.

\--

“Niall.”

“Harry, what’s wrong? Why do you sound like that?”

“I think… I think I’m dying, Niall.”

“What? Harry, what are you saying?”

“There is so much blood.”

“Harry, Harry what the fuck. Where the fuck are you?”

Niall heard some clamoring in the background and what sounded like a female voice screaming Harry’s name. It was like a bad movie, where the climax was reaching its peak and there Niall was about to fall from the scariest thing he’d ever known.

\--

Harry looked translucent and Niall felt like he was fading. Niall was biting his thumbnail, Harry had converted him into bad nail beds, and he couldn’t… fuck he couldn’t think about it. How Gemma had said Harry tried to slice his skin open for the sixth fucking time, how Harry was dangerously skinny, how they were going to send him away. This was Niall’s boy for Christ Sakes, this was his moppy haired green eyed boy who made him feel like he could fucking fly. But now all he felt was grounded, his feet tied by cinderblocks.

He felt disgusting. He’d known… about Harry’s condition. About his diet and the scars and he was just so caught up in the rush of this seventeen year old boy that he didn’t realize that just because things seemed good for him didn’t mean Harry was healed. Niall had forgotten that other people had lives. Niall stared, couldn’t think of a thing to say or do. Thought about when he’d first seen Harry at the hospital, small and smiling. Harry was the bravest fucking person he knew.

And Niall felt disgusting.

So he left. He walked out the door, hands shaking with the thought of never seeing Harry again. But Niall wasn’t good for Harry and this wasn’t how things were supposed to turn out, Niall wanted… Niall didn’t really know what he had wanted but it was gone now. Harry was going to America, Harry was going to get better and Niall would stay in London and get his business degree and that was it.

Niall and Harry had never had an end goal and maybe in theory it seemed good, no end goal meant no end but no end goal also meant a repeat of mistakes. They weren’t ever getting anywhere.

Niall wasn’t going to be that guy.

Niall was 21.

\--

Niall was 25, he was sitting in the middle of a business meeting trying to pay attention but he really didn’t care. Everything about it was so boring.

“Mr. Horan, you have someone here to see you.” The office secretary, Mena said poking her head in the office cautiously. Niall mentally fist pumped and excused himself before following Mena out. He didn’t know who could be here to see him considering Zayn was in Milan for this art thing, Liam was in Bora Bora with his new girlfriend, and Louis was somewhere in America.

“Who is it?” Niall asked Mena and she shrugged,

“He just said he wanted to see you. He seemed desperate.” Mena was too nice for her own good. When they got off the elevator and Niall turned the hall he almost turned right back around and bolted back into the boring business meeting because standing in the middle of the building was Harry Styles looking better than Niall had ever seen him before. He got taller, he had the longest legs, his curls had straightened out now and he had on skin tight jeans but instead of too skinny legs he looked the perfect size. Niall was pretty sure he was losing his mind.

“Hello, Niall.” Harry said softly and Niall blinked. Mena was staring at him warily and he swallowed.

“What the hell.”

“I kind of contacted your friend Zayn on Facebook. Told me you worked here now and I thought, why not stop by. I’ve missed you.” Harry looked sincere and a bit sad and Niall couldn’t believe this freakin’ boy was here to break his heart all over again. Niall ran a hand through his hair and watched as Harry brought his thumb to his mouth and began biting.

“You still do the thing.” Niall found himself saying and Harry raised an eyebrow,

“What thing?”

“The thumb thing.”

Harry laughed and shrugged, “bad habit.”

“Harry.” Niall said staring at him and Harry said,

“Niall, you left me.”

“Harry, you’re breaking my heart.”

“I didn’t mean to. I just… it’s been four years and I still think about you all the fucking time and I’m not seventeen anymore, Niall. I’m not that boy anymore.”

“Harry, stop.”

“I woke up and I… I thought you were going to be there to yell at me but you weren’t. And a week later I wasn’t even in the country anymore and you never called or texted and I didn’t want to hurt you… but I want you to know that back then I was… I was really damaged and I’m still sort of damaged but I want you, Niall. I want to be with you.”

“Harry, stop.”

Niall couldn’t think it was like he had shut down his brain as soon as he had seen Harry and all he could think about was the fact that Harry thought that Niall hadn’t wanted him back then when Harry was all he ever wanted.

“You are my knight in shining armor, Harry Styles.”

Niall saw Harry laugh and unlike the kid back at the hospital who had covered his mouth Harry grinned all unabashed and beautiful like something straight out of a dream.

“Swear?”

“Swear.” Niall said and then he was bringing his hands up to Harry’s soft full cheeks, massaging the cheekbone that he barely felt and he pressed his lips to Harry’s, he felt like he’d been waiting a lifetime for a chance like this again.

“You’re breaking my heart.” Niall whispered against Harry’s lips and Harry smiled,

“Don’t worry, you’re breaking mine too.”  

**Author's Note:**

> thanks again.


End file.
